At some point in your life you will be forced to come to terms with who you are. You will have to accept those freckles on your back that you have and realize that they look like stars. And at some point a boy is going to see them and tell you he loves them. He will say that your back is like the night sky and he will connect your freckles like constellations with a pen. You will have to accept that you judge people too quickly or you don’t trust anyone or your your hair never sits flat or you can’t sit still. But one day, maybe a long time from now or maybe tomorrow, you will realize that the meaningless lust for something about you to change is like trying to break a brick wall with a feather. Give your life meaning through acceptance and desire to do better for yourself and to be better for others around you.
It’s remarkable how utterly alone you can feel in a room full of 25 people and even a world full of over 7 billion. And maybe you’re expecting a miracle- for someone to sweep you off your feet and ask you why you felt so lonely all that time and why anyone let you be lonely. Don’t expect someone to fall out of the sky and rescue you from your despair and suddenly make you feel less alone. You can be that person for yourself today all you have to do is step back and think. Think about how many other girls felt alienated by their friends today because she wasn’t pretty enough for them. Think of all the people who have lost a family member today, or even lost a goldfish. Think of all the people who just got their heartbroken or were the heartbreakers. Think of all the people eating and crying and singing and laughing and realize you’re entirely surrounded by people who are feeling exactly what you are- yet you think there is no one out there who gets it. But trust me, people will get it you just have to be willing to explain.
Fuck other people’s opinions. There will come a point in your life that you stop caring, and the sooner the better. If you’re happy then other’s opinions will be utter bullshit to you. So I encourage you to like what you want, say what you what, dress how you want, and do what you want. At the end of the day the only thing that really matters is you because everything else is out of your control.
Some days, more than others, I feel you as a part of me. I shiver while lying in my bed because I feel a rush of you within me. My bones and muscles have this aching heaviness to them, like you have injected yourself into me and travelled throughout my body.
I like to believe your mind is unrelated to your soul. Your mind is like picking a name out of a hat; completely random, yet your mind has the capacity to eat you alive. On the other hand, your soul buds and blooms and has the ability to be developed. Everyone is at war with their minds. At 3am when you’re sitting in the complete dark, your thoughts are like tsunamis overwhelming and engulfing your mind and yet that’s just the luck of the draw. Some of us are just unlucky and a little fucked up.
At one moment in your life you are going to feel totally lost. Maybe it’s when you’re 13 and you realize that you wear your ratty Chuck Taylor’s to school everyday when the girls in your grade wear heels and you don’t understand the sensation of being unlike people around you. Or maybe it’s when you’re 21 and you’re out with your friends and realize that there are hundreds of people in this one place but none of them get excited when their favorite author comes out with a book and reads it like their job, let alone have a favorite author. You are suddenly filled with the awful feeling of uncertainty about your decisions. Or maybe it’s when you’re 48 and your kid just started high school and comes home with new red slashes in her wrists everyday. You feel lost and overwhelmed with anxiety and uncertainty of your parenting and being to doubt yourself as a human. At one point or another, we all feel derailed from our planned course of a life and it results in feeling lost- but not alone.
I’m still awaiting a time where loving you doesn’t fully compromise me. Contrary to your beliefs, I am a human too and my heart isn’t open-endedly your chew toy. The last time our lips touched I was so distracted by the galaxy I saw on the back of my eyelid when I closed my eyes. And you ripped open my chest with your bare hands and tore off a piece of my heart, claiming it as yours. The constellations on your lips make me believe it’s okay to give unworthy boys pieces of my heart. After 11 months, I have yet to ask you for that piece of my heart back, because it doesn’t beat right anymore. But maybe I don’t need my heart back, maybe I need to feel the stars under your skin and the way your mouth feels on mine. Maybe it’s just the absence of you in my life making my heart fail to beat. You could tear my entire heart out of my chest and I would still find a way to pump just enough blood into my being to miss you.
How can you convince yourself you’re in love with her? How can you wake up every morning and be satisfied with giving me discreet glances as we pass? I will not be the ring you get from a boy in third grade that you lock in your jewelry box under your bed so your parents wont find it. I am exhausted of being concealed from the world. I won’t let you distract me with the sweet taste of your lips and shatter my ribcage at the end of the night, puncturing a whole straight into my heart.
Never live your life thinking that by nature since you are better than someone else at something, you can treat them as lesser. Talent and usefulness of existence is all relative. Just because you, by chance, got lucky enough to be extraordinary at something, by no means makes you superior.
It’s okay to sometimes still think he’s the sun and his light is your life but still you should realize you can be the sun when he’s the moon and you don’t need him to be bright and alive. You don’t need another being to give you the power to be fulfilled or happy.