Fuck other people’s opinions. There will come a point in your life that you stop caring, and the sooner the better. If you’re happy then other’s opinions will be utter bullshit to you. So I encourage you to like what you want, say what you what, dress how you want, and do what you want. At the end of the day the only thing that really matters is you because everything else is out of your control.
Some days, more than others, I feel you as a part of me. I shiver while lying in my bed because I feel a rush of you within me. My bones and muscles have this aching heaviness to them, like you have injected yourself into me and travelled throughout my body.
I like to believe your mind is unrelated to your soul. Your mind is like picking a name out of a hat; completely random, yet your mind has the capacity to eat you alive. On the other hand, your soul buds and blooms and has the ability to be developed. Everyone is at war with their minds. At 3am when you’re sitting in the complete dark, your thoughts are like tsunamis overwhelming and engulfing your mind and yet that’s just the luck of the draw. Some of us are just unlucky and a little fucked up.
At one moment in your life you are going to feel totally lost. Maybe it’s when you’re 13 and you realize that you wear your ratty Chuck Taylor’s to school everyday when the girls in your grade wear heels and you don’t understand the sensation of being unlike people around you. Or maybe it’s when you’re 21 and you’re out with your friends and realize that there are hundreds of people in this one place but none of them get excited when their favorite author comes out with a book and reads it like their job, let alone have a favorite author. You are suddenly filled with the awful feeling of uncertainty about your decisions. Or maybe it’s when you’re 48 and your kid just started high school and comes home with new red slashes in her wrists everyday. You feel lost and overwhelmed with anxiety and uncertainty of your parenting and being to doubt yourself as a human. At one point or another, we all feel derailed from our planned course of a life and it results in feeling lost- but not alone.
I’m still awaiting a time where loving you doesn’t fully compromise me. Contrary to your beliefs, I am a human too and my heart isn’t open-endedly your chew toy. The last time our lips touched I was so distracted by the galaxy I saw on the back of my eyelid when I closed my eyes. And you ripped open my chest with your bare hands and tore off a piece of my heart, claiming it as yours. The constellations on your lips make me believe it’s okay to give unworthy boys pieces of my heart. After 11 months, I have yet to ask you for that piece of my heart back, because it doesn’t beat right anymore. But maybe I don’t need my heart back, maybe I need to feel the stars under your skin and the way your mouth feels on mine. Maybe it’s just the absence of you in my life making my heart fail to beat. You could tear my entire heart out of my chest and I would still find a way to pump just enough blood into my being to miss you.
How can you convince yourself you’re in love with her? How can you wake up every morning and be satisfied with giving me discreet glances as we pass? I will not be the ring you get from a boy in third grade that you lock in your jewelry box under your bed so your parents wont find it. I am exhausted of being concealed from the world. I won’t let you distract me with the sweet taste of your lips and shatter my ribcage at the end of the night, puncturing a whole straight into my heart.
Never live your life thinking that by nature since you are better than someone else at something, you can treat them as lesser. Talent and usefulness of existence is all relative. Just because you, by chance, got lucky enough to be extraordinary at something, by no means makes you superior.
It’s okay to sometimes still think he’s the sun and his light is your life but still you should realize you can be the sun when he’s the moon and you don’t need him to be bright and alive. You don’t need another being to give you the power to be fulfilled or happy.
Somedays the most you can do is try and thats all you can really ask of yourself. Try to be nice, or try to understand someone’s problems, or try to get a good grade on a test, or try to be a good person. Whether you are successful at these things is not really what matters. What matters is that you tried to do your best and that’s all you can do.
I have always been the type of person that’s fascinated by people and how they lived their lives always seemed to be infinitely more interesting than mine ever was. And that’s as a result of the mystery that lies within strangers. I’ve learned that being fascinated by people opens your eyes to so much. You realize the world isn’t solely composed of what relies in your skin or house let alone the city you live in. Humans are wild and raw and sometimes generic and at other times limitless. And the opportunity to meet people will always be infinitely more important than anything you will ever learn from an old prick inside a prison-like brick building.
Note to Self